dear mama
Mother’s Day is May 10. you’re welcome.
i have a complicated relationship with my mother. like most wealthy, emotionally stunted families, we express our affection the only way we know how: buying things. whoever your maternal figure might be, she will insist she does not want anything as tribute for her role in your life. she is lying. if you can’t speak to her without any conversation devolving into an interrogation as to why you’re not married yet, or you simply have absolutely no idea what a middle aged woman might want, i’ve rounded up a few clutch options from around the internet.
18K airpod strap
moms love speakerphone. and as much as i love hearing Phil Collins at full volume on constant loop, i know far too much about my mother’s social circle. give her the privacy she deserves. chic and timeless, this chain keeps her AirPods safe and accessible. finally, she’ll stop asking you how to differentiate right from left. she can never find one of them anyways. under $100 at
viper 2.0 muscle roller
mom loves this thing. innuendo aside, what is she to do without Gunnar’s daily rub downs? your father certainly isn’t going to take over. portable with adjustable settings. if she closes her eyes it’s almost the same as the Whole Body Vibration machine at the health club. almost…spoil her with
floral press candle
this Denver company KILLS it when it comes to household accessories. if you’re gifting, try to shop by scent. otherwise, they have a wide range of gorgeous pressed flower candles that anyone would love. if your mother is the paranoid type, get her one of their flameless reed diffusers. that way she won’t spend 20 minutes snuffing the candles before she can get in the car. search
tapir card
if she’s the type to cry over your baby pictures, avoid the scripted/corporate bullshit of Hallmark and check out Kate Broughton. blank inside so you can write your own message and printed on recycled cardstock and shipped in a biodegradable packet. look at those fucking tapirs. it’s adorable. on etsy at
organic cucumber seed/green coffee under eye treatment
cucumber soothes skin and promotes skin cell repair and collagen production. green coffee reduces puffiness and increases blood flow to the skin. naturally derived so you can feel morally superior. look up the apothecary at
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4K “Mother” Link Chain Bracelet
for the woman who lists “Homemaker” in her career bio on Facebook but has at least three Guatemalan/Eastern European laborers doing the housework. her life may seem leisurely now, but breaking up your father’s first marriage was no easy task. her kids are her world and what better way to say it than in 14k gold? buy it because i can’t afford it, at
classic stripe dishcloths
sponges are fucking gross. and not machine washable. end of story. these bad boys come in just about every color under the rainbow and will last you years. get your old lady something she’ll actually use. found on
terracotta mirrored jewelry holder
this mixed media mirror is stamped and glazed by hand. the description is worth reading alone. if she’s cooler than you are. all of her furniture is imported. this woman snapchats you 3-Star meals at all hours. sucks not to be included on the family vacations anymore.
easy card
for the matriarch who does it all. she has two phones, yet somehow manages to always have a vase of fresh meyer lemons in the kitchen. a playful nod to the fact that your mother had to at least try to squeeze your head and shoulders out of her vagina. not that she’d let you forget it. blank on the inside so you can write your own personalized message, because it’s the least you could fucking do. created by
radish gardening gloves
if she sends you random photos of nature with inspirational captions without context. better than your basic canvas work glove, decorated with whimsical, hand painted designs. wear them. work in them. wash them.
surya bracelet
there’s something very feminine about this setting. maybe because it is so reminiscent of moonstone. a stylish confluence of modern structure and natural elements. pairs perfectly with a timepiece or other delicate bracelets. guaranteed there is a Buddha statue somewhere on this woman’s property. on sale at
jo malone wild bluebell
a classic floral scent that just feels like May. smell lasts forever. close second: Orange Blossom and Honey. available on
“Persisterhood” fitted Tee
you can talk to her about anything. she explained the female orgasm (all 3 kinds) and bought you your first box of condoms, even though you were twelve (and still a little too enthusiastic about American Girl Dolls). always votes Democrat, but isn’t too sure what the Afro-Americans are going by these days. found at
genes card
she thinks people think you’re sisters. she should probably be thanking her dermatologist, but you can still flatter her anyway. let’s face it, your father probably didn’t marry her for her nuanced opinions on the 14 Points. bought @
slideshow digital photo frame
a great way to showcase the out of focus family photos she always seems to be taking! i love this weathered wood frame. it’s the perfect trojan horse. familiar enough to seem innocuous, but also digitized to save you time when you clean out her basement after she dies. easy enough to use, so long as you set it up for her and she never touches it. check